The Challenge

I'm a child of God by grace and grace alone - Dustin Kensrue

Today someone challenged me to figure out who I want to be and what I want to be known for and then to present myself in a way that will cause people to view me in that way. I’m sure I’ve been challenged with this many times over my teen years and now being well into my college life I’m sure I’ll hear it many more times.

But for some reason it struck me today.

The conversation between said challenger (henceforth known as “the challenger”), myself (henceforth known as any tense of “I” or “me”), and a close friend (henceforth known as “my friend”) continued. I honestly don’t even remember how the conversation started, but I do know that we got to this challenge after my friend mentioned that she doesn’t want to be known as just "the babysitter." She gave the example of how she’d gone to an event as a guest, and was asked if she was there to babysit. It feels like something that is simply expected of her now. My friend and I are in this boat together. Between the two of us, I’m sure we’ve babysat for 234739.5 hours [collectively] this year, give or take a few minutes (I am of course exaggerating, but it sure does feel like it sometimes). *DISCLAIMER: We both adore children and enjoy being with them and love serving however we can. We just have our gripes as everyone does at times.* Anyways the conversation continued with the challenger telling my friend she is of course more than just that, and that it is up to her to decide what she wants to be known as/for and present herself in that way. Put forth the image she wants people to see. The challenger encouraged her, complimented her, and exhorted her towards change.

This conversation has been rolling around in my head all day. I’ll be honest, my default, sinful nature reaction was to be upset and jealous over how the challenger had complimented her and encouraged her, but not me. This feeling dissolved throughout the day as I realized it doesn’t matter, the words still applied to me and the challenge was an open challenge, there for anyone willing to accept it.

Next, my response was still self-centred (surprised? Don’t be). I immediately thought about all the things I’d like to be known for: being a great writer, being a good student, being a talented singer, being funny, etc. My list was cut off pretty quickly when I realized I had the wrong focus. I wanted to be known for how great I am or how cool I am. Trouble is, I’m neither great nor cool.

So then I had to think about what it is that I am. Because what I am is what I should be known for, right? 

Well, one thing I know for sure is that I am a sinner. Romans 3:23 tells me that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” So does that mean I want to be known for being a sinner? Absolutely. Because that’s only half of what I am. And without that first half, the second half would be much less meaningful, much less important, and much less beautiful. The second half, another thing I know for sure, is that I am saved by grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8). This passage in Ephesians (chapter 2 vv. 4-8) talks about how God made us alive together with Christ, because of the “great love with which he loved us” (v.4). It also talks about the fact that God shows us the “immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness” (v.7) through Jesus. If I didn’t recognize that I am a sinner, I also wouldn’t recognize the beauty of the immeasurable riches of his grace.

So, I’m a sinner saved by grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8). I am a child of God and I am a co-heir with Christ (Romans 8:16-17). This is true. This is mind-boggling. This is beautiful. This is what I am.

If that is what I am, then what exactly is it I want to be known for? That’s easy. I want to be known as a follower of God. A woman of God. Someone who loves God with all my heart, soul, and mind (Matthew 22:37). Someone who loves people (Matthew 22:39). A woman who serves without complaint. A person who speaks kind words that build others up. If someone asked me “What do you want people to see when they look at you?” My answer is and will always be “Jesus.” I want people to see Jesus when they see me and the way I live my life.

So whether I am known for being a great writer or simply as the girl who babysits, as long as I am known for doing it in Jesus’ name and for God’s glory, that’s okay with me. Even if that means 234739.5 hours of babysitting. 

P.S. I wanted to mention that after I wrote and re-read this post a couple times, I realized that it matters more who God is rather than who I am. But that is many other posts for many other times. 

P.P.S. The challenger wants people to look at them and see a talking bible. So that's what I will always see now. 

The Riches of His Grace

What started as a “quickly read a chapter before I go to bed” (you know what I’m talking about) turned into 10 verses read, a few verses highlighted, a few words underlined and then was going to be a quick Facebook-status-bible-verse-sharing moment. Now it’s a blog post. I was going to watch Netflix but God has another plan, and I’m certain it’s so much better. (Spoiler alert: it is)*

"In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight." Ephesians 1:5-8

I may have bitten off more than I can chew with so many verses, but I felt I couldn’t break it apart any more than I already have. In my quick reading there were a few words that stuck out to me (if you couldn’t tell by my underlining). There is so much to talk about within these few verses; I’m sure there are entire sermons, maybe even series’ on them. But this time, one thing stuck out to me.

Here’s the thing: lately the biggest thing that’s been on my mind in my spiritual life, the main wonder of God in my eyes, has been, and continues to be how unfathomably infinite he is. Just think about infinity for a minute. Really think about it. But don’t hurt yourself. It’s hard, I’d even say impossible, for us to understand the infinite, as we are finite beings; namely, we have a time limit. We have a patience limit. We have a forgiveness limit. And yes, we even have a love limit. But God the Almighty, our Infinite and Perfect Creator does not. The dictionary** defines the word infinite in three ways: immeasurably great, unmeasurable in duration of time, and unbounded or unlimited. God is all of that and more.

One of the main things that opened my eyes to yet another aspect of his beauty is this: In the same way God is infinitely powerful, he is infinitely loving. In the same way he is infinitely just, he is infinitely merciful. In the same way he is infinitely wrathful, he is infinitely graceful. And to me, that is infinitely beautiful.

The words I underlined in the verses above are all things in which God is infinite. His love. His grace. His forgiveness. His wisdom and insight.

While reading these verses in Ephesians tonight, I was especially hooked by the phrase “riches of his grace,” because I now understand what that truly means. We have forgiveness of our trespasses “according to the riches of his grace,” (v 8.) If God forgives us according to the riches of his grace, and the riches of his grace are endless, what does that mean for us? “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us” Psalm 103:12

So what do I take away from this? God is infinitely Holy, He is infinitely just, and He is infinitely graceful. Because of this justice and grace, Jesus had to die on the cross for me. I am now forgiven of my trespasses, according to the riches of God’s grace. His grace that he lavished on me because of his infinite love for me. And because of all of that, and so much more (more than we can ever understand), he is infinitely worthy of praise, and deserved of glory forever and ever. And ever.

And ever.

*I added that statement after I wrote and reread the whole post.

**I used dictionary.com. One of my most-visited websites, I might add. Next to thesaurus.com. Okay and Netflix.

I'd Rather Have Jesus

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

This is something I am struggling with lately. Something I’ve been struggling with silently lately. And in my 20 years of existence I’ve learned that when you keep problems bottled up they don’t really go away. So it’s time to talk about it, because I’m sure I’m not alone. Here we go.

I never thought I was one to struggle with seeking approval from others. I always considered that to mean having the desire to be popular, to be the centre of attention; I definitely did not want that. Now I am realizing that that is not all it means. It also means seeking attention from people I admire/respect. It means fishing for compliments about the way I look. It means trying to be funny to make people notice me, and (unnecessarily) feeling hurt if no one laughs/heard me. It means feeling sorry for myself if I ever end up sitting alone in a room full of people. With that in mind, I guess I’ve always sought after the approval of people. When I do something well, I want to brag about it and get complimented on my performance. When I sacrifice my time and energy to do something, I want people to notice.

All of that is ridiculous on some level - I know that just because I sit alone in a room for a few minutes does not mean no body there cares about me; what it means is everyone is engaged in conversation or is busy and the world does not revolve around me.

I also know that even if that were true and no one did care about me, it wouldn’t matter. “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8). God showed his love for me by sacrificing his own perfect Son. For you too. Shouldn’t that be enough? We work hard to receive the approval of man. What does man’s approval give us? Maybe happiness, a smile, warm and fuzzy feelings on the inside? We did nothing to deserve the grace of God through Jesus Christ. In fact, we do everything to deserve the wrath of God.  “But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life.” (Romans 6:22). I don’t know about you, but to me, that sounds much better than warm and fuzzy insides.

We all seek the approval of man. In your lifetime you have, you are, and you will seek man’s approval. It’s just what we do. I know I do – I constantly seek approval and attention from my friends, my pastors, guys (I know my parents will read this and make a comment about that last one, but I’m just being honest – I am almost 21 you know…) Who do you seek approval from?

The point I’m trying to get across is that God – the one and only true God, the infinite God of the universe – loves you. He gave his Son to die on the cross for you. He wants a relationship with you. Man will fail you. God will not. At the end of it all, I’d rather have God, Jesus' sacrifice, and his infinite love over the approval of man.

Take the world but give me Jesus.

Freedom

**Inspiration for this post provided by Rend Collective 

The other day in my literature class we were discussing a piece written in the early 1900s. We talk a lot about the context of the time and place the piece was written in order to know what may have influenced the author. For this particular piece, it was noted it was written in a time (early 1900s) when and in a place (Dublin) where the church was still a big player, greatly influencing day to day life. We also began discussing the images of freedom versus bondage/imprisonment the author was trying to convey.

Putting these two ideas together brought forth a loaded question from my teacher: “What does religion do to people?” He paused, awaiting an answer and I braced myself for what might be said. No one offered an answer, so he continued: “Religion puts you in bondage. It imprisons you, telling you what you can and can’t do. It takes your freedom.”

My heart sank at his answer. I didn’t know what to expect when he posed the question and the gravity of his answer hit me like a ton of bricks.

Sometimes, after we sin, we feel immense guilt and shame, a heavy burden on our shoulders that we just can’t shake. I know there are times when I can’t even bring myself to talk to God, I am so ashamed of myself. I’ve brought myself to tears, I’ve put myself down saying I’m so terrible and I don’t know how God can still love me or give me another chance. I know I would’ve stopped giving me chances a long time ago. I let the weight of my guilt push me down until I feel like I can’t breathe, like I can’t see any hope. To me, that is bondage and imprisonment.

But God is always there, reminding me to look at Him. To see the beauty of his sacrifice. To see and feel the freedom I have in Jesus. He pulls the weight of guilt off of me, reminds me that Jesus held that burden on the cross. He took it then, he takes it now, and he’ll take it every time, forever. I need not feel guilty anymore. I can remember Romans 8:1-2, which says: “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

We don’t need to be slaves to this world, to sin. We don’t need to be slaves to guilt and shame. In fact, if we are in Christ we are already no longer slaves to sin. We have been freed. We are free. We can conquer sin and we can conquer shame for “we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” (Romans 8:37)

My teacher’s answer shows the reality of the depravity of the world. The world doesn’t see following Jesus as freeing or joyful. They see it as following a set of rules, having no fun in life and acting like slaves. How easily the devil has them blinded to that fact that they are in fact in bondage now. It is only through Jesus on the cross that we can be freed from that bondage. Only through Jesus that we can be more than conquerors. 

Victory in Jesus

Imagine this with me:

You’re a boxer approaching the most important fight of your career. You know the stakes are high: you lose, you’re done. No more boxing. You prepare for weeks, months; you learn everything there is to know about your opponent. They are confident, strong, determined. They know what they want and they go for it, no matter the consequences. You also know this person stands for everything you stand against.

The day of the fight finally arrives and you lay everything on the line. You step into the ring and look towards your opponent. Time freezes and the world falls away as you look into the eyes of your rival. The wind is knocked out of you as if you have been punched and you stagger back into the corner, astonished at the sight. Desperation creeps into your soul and a cry of hopelessness escapes your mouth. There is no way you can win this.

We are all a part of an intense battle. A battle with sin. With the devil. A battle for our souls.

Satan is constantly urging me towards sin. Always trying to compromise, find “loopholes”, and convince me that it’s “not really that bad” to watch that movie or listen to that song. But one bad movie turns into two. And three and four and so on. We are to be careful to give no opportunity to the devil (Ephesians 4:27) for this very reason. If we tell ourselves something is okay, even when we know it’s sinful, it starts a pattern. We will tell ourselves it is okay every time we are presented with the opportunity and eventually, we will start to believe it is okay and we won't hesitate at all. We give the devil a foothold and before we know it, he has our entire leg.

It is usually at this point in the battle that I become exhausted and honestly a little apathetic. I think I am doing well, all the while giving in little by little, until all of a sudden I find myself lost and feeling hopeless.

You remember what is at stake and you give it your best shot. You fight tooth and nail, pushing, kicking, screaming, anything to give you the upper hand. The fight is taking its toll, but you are doing okay. Then you slip. Next thing you know you are on the ground breathless, crawling to the corner, desperate for relief. And cowering in the corner, gazing up at your opponent across the ring, you are overcome with grief, the deepest feeling of despair as reality settles in: you can’t win.

Hold on.

I implore you to just hold on.

Because your Saviour is there. Your guide, your mentor, your friend is right there beside you. And when you realize you can’t win this fight, he steps in for you. He takes your place. He took my place. And he has won. Romans 8:37 says “in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”

Because of Jesus Christ, we don’t just win the battle, we conquer it. We can rest in the confidence that while we are weak and we may lose the battle, Christ is stronger and He has already won the war.

Still small in the corner you watch as He steps into the ring. You know coming in here is a sacrifice for him. Regardless of his own life and out of his immense love for you, he fights your battle. And he wins. Picking you up out of the corner he guides you to the centre where he raises your hand in victory. Because His victory is your victory. 

Corrie: Now Open

It’s been almost a full year since I’ve written a blog post. I took a long, unintentional break from writing. As I had described, this blog was going to be my place that I shared what I was going through and learning as I spent time with God every day and grew. In all honestly, my lack of posts stemmed from my lack of spending time with God and my lack of growth. As a result, I found myself in a very dry season over this past year, with a few refreshing splashes of God here and there.

At first, not much changed; I continued attending church every week and made appearances at bible study. I tried to connect with God. I tried to study his word and keep growing, but nothing seemed to work. I felt far away from God and nothing was helping. As time went on I stopped looking. I made fewer appearances at bible study and rarely paid attention in church. I didn't talk about it. My spiritual life became stale and dark as I went on with my life, applying to college, spending time with family and friends over the summer, all the while trying to reconnect with God but never getting anywhere. I knew I was still a Christian, I still believed the gospel truth and I knew God was still there and that he loved me. I just couldn’t see Him.

September brought drastic and hard changes to my life; I started attending college, which was an equally terrifying and exciting experience. I attended my classes the first week, excited for what this new journey would bring. The first week of school however marked week 2 of my grandpa (whom I lived with) being in the hospital and my optimism and happiness with school ended abruptly when he passed away the Saturday after I started. It was a hard time for my family and I. Through this experience though, I was able to see and feel God again as he carried me through the following weeks. My dry season, however, was not over but just suspended for a short time.

I got into the rhythm of school, met some new people and never felt farther from God. I even became apathetic for a short time, not even caring that I wasn’t growing or feeling God near me. School was taking up so much of my time that I only opened my bible at church.

He crept up in the back of my mind though, and I began to feel the pain in my heart of being so far away from him. Finally I came to a point where I couldn’t handle that feeling anymore. I am a feeler to the fullest, and for so long my spiritual life was all knowledge (which, don’t get me wrong, is very important) but I needed to feel God. My only prayers at that time were desperate cries for him as I was finally at my breaking point and didn’t know what else to do. I took some time to really look at my life and noticed which things were getting in the way. The way I talked with friends and the way I was spending my time was not conducive to growing a relationship with God, one where I would feel and know him well. So I changed those things. As I changed more and more things in my life, I felt myself getting closer and closer to him. I had stacked up things between us like a wall and one by one I was tearing it down, until finally I could hear his voice again. He hadn’t moved from his spot on the other side of the wall and he was there waiting for me.

Things have been getting better. I still struggle a lot with spending time with God and reading his word. But just knowing that wall is a broken pile behind me is enough to spur me forward. Going back to bible study more regularly, God has been opening my eyes to understand more things about him. I am slowly getting to know him little by little. I think I have finally made it to the point of 2 Corinthians 3:18 – “And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” (ESV)

This comes from the Lord – God has removed the veil over my heart and now, beholding His glory, I am being transformed. God has allowed me to see the beauty of Christ with unveiled face; because of that, I want to change. I want to spend time with him. I want to know him. I want to savour him. I want to praise him. And I want to share him.

So, people are probably wondering why I decided to share about my life, or why you should care about what I went through. It’s been on my heart to share this for the past few weeks. God has been pushing me to be brutally honest with myself to a point that was very hard for me. And now he’s pushing me to be open and honest with those around me, especially those in my church family. Seeing as I’ve always been a closed off person, I thought sharing it on my blog would be easiest and I also think it can reach and help more people this way. Throughout this whole thing, I closed up. I’ve never been a very open person, but over the past year, everything I was going through spiritually and emotionally was closed and locked up inside myself. Closing yourself off is lonely and painful. So I want to help others avoid that. I want to encourage others to open up and share. But I can only do that if I am also willing to open up and share.

This post is also a new point in my blog, the point in which I turn it from a place where I never post to a place where I post openly and regularly (hopefully) about my life and struggles. And I hope others will follow suit. Because I think the best way to facilitate openness and create close, lasting relationships is to set an example, being vulnerable and opening up myself.  

Galatians 6:2 says to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ”

It’s impossible to bear one another’s burdens if we don’t know what one another’s burdens are.

So don’t be afraid. Open up to someone close to you. Open up to your pastor. Your best friend. Your mother. Open up here if you want. Just go for it. It’s scary and hard; trust me, I know. But take heart, because I bet whoever you open up to will know exactly how you feel, or may even be going through the same thing. God has this way of stirring us to open up at the right time to the right person. And in saying that, I pray that God’s reason for me opening up at this time and in this way will be fulfilled, and someone will feel him, cry out to him, or have their eyes opened to his beauty for the very first time.